Dealing with a difficult child can be one of the hardest things to handle in life. Whether it is your child or the child of a friend or relative, knowing how to deal with a difficult child can be very tricky. It's important to remember that during conflicts, emotions will be especially high. So you might consider making a plan to deal with issues before they even occur. There are many steps you can take to make dealing with a difficult child easier.

Assessing the Problem

1. Understand the child's temperament. Different children have different personalities. When dealing with a difficult child, it is important to understand what type of child you are dealing with. Is he stubborn? Destructive? Overly emotional? Pay attention to the child's moods, and try to track the factors that seem to trigger difficult episodes.

• Try keeping a journal of your child's behavior. This will help you recognize certain situations or events that might cause an outburst.
• Ask others (teachers, family members, etc) if they have noticed any particular factors that trigger problematic episodes for your child.

2. Focus on the issues. When your child is having an outburst, take a step back and assess the situation. Part of solving the problem is understanding why it is occurring. Try to understand whether your child is reacting to something specific (such as being denied a privilege) or if she is upset about something else entirely.[2]

• For younger children especially, they might not be able to tell you exactly what is wrong. For example, they might be hungry, cold, or overly tired, and are exhibiting that by crying about the loss of a toy. Pay attention to the external factors that could be affecting your child's moods.

3. Choose your battles. Maybe you are fighting every evening about your child's bedtime. Clearly, you need to be the boss, but take a step back and figure out if there is a way to negotiate with your child. If your child is older (around nine or 12 years old), you might realize that letting your child stay up for an extra 15 minutes each night is an easy solution. He will feel more independent, and you will have some peace. For younger children, you might offer him a choice, such as, "You can choose to go to bed now with a bedtime story, or you can choose to go to bed in 5 minutes with no bedtime story."

• Notice the things that you and your child are fighting over. If you find yourself repeatedly having the same disagreement, focus on fixing that one situation. Solving that conflict might ease other tensions in your relationship.

4. Be sensitive. Remember that as children develop, they are dealing with a lot of changes and emotions. Unfortunately, they are not always successful in articulating their frustrations, and they end up acting out. Try to be kind and sensitive when dealing with them.

• Being kind does not mean that you have to give in to your child's every desire. You can be firm, yet gentle and understanding. Express your rules logically and without yelling.

5. Set boundaries. Structure is good for children. Setting boundaries for difficult children can help them learn to behave in a more appropriate manner. Make sure that your child understands your household rules, and knows her responsibilities.

• Clearly communicate rules to your child. If she is very young, you might have to repeat yourself every day. For example, you might find yourself saying at every meal, "No, Stacey, it is not okay to throw food."
• If your child is a bit older, try making a rule or chore chart. Being able to visualize responsibilities can help your child retain them. Hopefully, having boundaries will help you avoid future conflicts.
• You should also have boundaries for communicating during conflicts. Make sure your child knows that you will not tolerate screaming or any destructive behavior. Make that clear before, during, and after the conflict.

2) Staying Calm

1. Change your perspective. When dealing with a difficult child, it is completely normal to feel frustrated and angry. Take a moment to step back and remember that it is typical for children to go through difficult phases. You might need to change your perspective. Try to figure out ways to change your reaction, instead of constantly trying to change your child's behavior.

• Part of your frustration might actually be that you are upset that you are unable to remain calm. Try to learn ways to manage your anger. You might try counting to ten, or saying your next words inside your head before you say them out loud.
• This does not mean that you should stop trying to improve your child's behavior. It simply means that you are also part of the equation, and your reactions might need to be changed, too.

2. Take a deep breath. When you are having a conflict with a child, it is very important that you stay calm. Remember, you are the one who is in charge. It is up to you to set a good example.

• Try to find a calming technique that works for you. Often, taking deep calming breaths is a great way to calm down during an argument. Take deep, slow breaths, until you find your heart rate slowing down a bit.

3. Focus on the positives. During a conflict, it can be difficult to think about anything other than the negative attributes of a child. Try to remember that everyone has positive qualities. Focus on thinking about things that your child does well.

• When you are having a conflict with your child, try to think of one thing you really love about her. Is she normally very affectionate? Is she doing well in school? Focus on that trait, and you will feel calmer and more capable of dealing with the situation.

4. Don't overreact. It can be difficult to keep your anger and frustration from reaching the boiling point. However, try to remember that this is just a conflict — you will both move on. Try not to let previous issues or external factors influence your reactions.

• When trying to keep your emotions in check, try to focus clearly on the situation at hand. Is it really worth it to blow up because your child threw a fit? Probably not. Try to keep calm and find a way to keep the problem from reoccurring.

3) Finding a solution

1. Provide feedback. One way to help a difficult child learn better behavior is to consistently provide feedback. By letting the child know what is and is not appropriate, you are helping to teach him ways to improve. Make sure that you are consistent in your reactions to certain behaviors or actions.

• Provide social feedback. Let your child know how you feel by offering verbal praise or corrections. For example, you might say, "Thank you for remaining calm today, Tim. I know it was disappointing that it rained and you couldn't go to the park."
• Provide concrete feedback. It can be useful to visually measure your difficult child's behavior. One way is to try a points system. For example, you could make a chart and post points every time your child does something positive (like cleaning her room without being asked). You can detract points for negative behavior. Visualizing the impact of her behavior can help your child learn the benefits of more positive actions.

2. Try some time apart. If you and your child are continuously experiencing conflict, you might need a little space. Taking a brief time-out can give both you and your child the time needed to calm down and reflect. Some space can go a long way towards solving problems.

• Ask a close friend or relative to watch your child while you take some time for yourself. It can be emotionally draining to handle a difficult child, so try to take some time each week to do something for yourself. Go to a movie or have dinner with a friend.

3. Consider contributing factors. You should consider whether your child is being difficult for a very specific reason. For example, maybe he is not getting enough sleep and is reacting by being difficult. A solution could be that you adjust your child's schedule and make sure that he gets the right amount of rest.

• There are many other factors that could impact your child's behavior. For example, maybe he is dealing with a health issue that you don't know about. Watch for any signs of physical discomfort, including lack of appetite or change in energy level.

4. Involve people you trust. Remember that you are not alone. Hopefully, you have family and friends who can help you deal with this frustrating situation. Don't be afraid to ask someone you trust for advice.

• Your friends and family can help in a couple of different ways. They might be able to communicate well with your child, and you can enlist their help in solving the problem. They might also just be willing to take care of your child for an evening, giving you a much needed break.

5. Seek professional help. Sometimes your child might need some help that you simply cannot provide. If your child's behavior seems beyond simple acting out, and has been going on for a while, it might be time to contact a mental health specialist. Many therapists specialize in treating youths, and can help you find a way to help your child.[10]

• Ask your family doctor to recommend a therapist he trusts.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is no shame in helping your child live the best life he can.